This week, I tentatively began to plan my spring schedule. I've started looking at out-of-state events to apply for, which made me wonder why I hadn't been doing this all along. I've been on this career path since 2012. Why has it taken me so long to consider spreading my wings?
My wheels started turning and I remembered that back in 2017 when I'd been waitlisted for a show in Houston. At this point, it was early days in my relationship with Rageroo.
I mentioned the waitlist to him. It was one of my first attempts to move outside my comfort zone of Lafayette-New Orleans. I explained about juried shows and how getting on the wait list for a good show meant that I was on the right track.
He gave me a whole bunch of reasons why doing out-of-state events was a bad idea. He gave me a lot of reasons why I would lose money, how it might be dangerous, and how I would fail.
Now, he never told me not to do it, but it struck at my newly minted tentative confidence as a creator. I stopped applying to out-of-state shows. My wings were effectively clipped and I never put any of it together until now.
Could I have continued applying to out-of-state festivals? Of course, but my delicate new confidence was shattered. If your own partner who tells you how amazing and talented you are has no faith in your ability to succeed, wouldn't you begin to question your ability?
I choose poorly in terms of partners. We take for granted that our family and loved ones can be trusted to support and encourage us. Unfortunately, when dealing with covert narcissists, manipulation, and control is all they care about.
I put far too much time and energy into a doomed, one-way relationship when I should have put time and effort into me.
I am taking back the person I was and I want to be, small piece by small piece. I am reclaiming who I am and what I am capable of.
Begin by loving yourself and supporting yourself. It's more than reasonable to expect your partner to support and love you, but sometimes we end up with the wrong people, bad people, so remember to love yourself first.
Find those people that give you reasons why you might succeed. Yes, look at all potential outcomes, but don't limit yourself because of fear. Banish that person who only gives you reasons why you might fail.
As I start to stretch out a bit, trying my luck with a few Texas shows, it's nice not to have someone whispering negativity in my ear, not trying to box me in and tear off my wings.
Spread your wings, my darling. Find that person who encourages you, not subtly manipulates you to not even try.
I love you and I believe in you.
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